Stillbirth: Parenting through grief
Stillbirth: ‘Never enough cuddles or kisses’
After losing her second child to Parvovirus at 23 weeks, Naomi Buckley says it’s hard not to think the worst four years on.
Her daughter Emersyn was born sleeping in March, 2020 when the world had shut down with the Covid pandemic.
“I’m sure every mother thinks worst case scenario but when you’ve had something happen with very, very small risks that shouldn’t happen, it’s hard not to think the worst,” she said.
Naomi felt decreased fetal movements and within days had been told by doctors in Brisbane that her daughter had contracted Parvovirus.
Just hours after receiving the devastating news, Emersyn passed away.
The Rockhampton mother of four says having another child to care for was hard during the earliest days of grief.
“Every day we still had to get up and feed him, we still had to play with him and entertain him. We still had to look after him even when we had absolutely nothing to give,” she said.
“But if we didn’t have him, I could have easily laid in bed for weeks on end and not got out of bed.”
‘The only memories you’ll ever have’
She says their eldest son brought them a lot of joy through some of their toughest days.
“I was grateful he was around because he was the only one who could light up your life or put a smile on your face, so at least you get little moments of joy and be grateful and appreciate it,” she said.
Unfortunately due to Covid restrictions, only her husband Luke could be present at Emersyn’s birth.
Their midwife took photographs of Emersyn, so that they could share them with the rest of their family.
“Anyone I come across who has had a stillbirth, the one thing I say is make sure they get photos,” she said.
“You may not want photos right now but I guarantee in the future, you’ll want them.
“It’s the only memories you’ll ever have, you’ll never get a moment back to see them or to have something physical. “
Naomi says she was warned that she could lose friends because death can make people unsure or uncomfortable.
“I don’t think I lost too many friends through it but a few people have said that because I was so open and honest from the start that it probably made others feel more comfortable to talk about it or to bring it up,” she said.
“Society is terrible with grief and death. People just want to fix you all the time because they just want to help you but when you’re deep in it, you can’t be fixed.”
She said her best advice on what to do when someone is experiencing grief is to just be there.
“Any statement that starts with ‘at least’, it’s bullshit,” she said.
“There’s no ‘at least you’re young, you can have more kids. At least they’re in a better place. At least….there’s just nothing.”
She says losing Emersyn changed her outlook and she’s grateful for the moments she has in life.
“I remember when you did photos of just Cohen, Luke and I and I had said to Luke should we just put it off? I was pregnant at the time and Luke said well how do we know that we’re going to have (the baby)?,” Naomi said.
“You just have to get the photos now because how do we know all of us are going to be alive come April. Whereas other people probably don’t have that thought if they haven’t lost a kid or a husband.
“[They] just assume tomorrow is coming and they do the family photos in six months, 12 months. I think when you’ve been through something like that, you value things differently.”
Experiencing stillbirth?
Naomi says she wishes she knew she could have stayed longer in hospital to have more time with Emersyn.
“I didn’t know at the time that a lot of people will stay a night, two nights, three nights,” she said.
“If the hospital has it, their baby can go into a cuddle cot, which has a cooling system to keep them cold.
“Looking back now, it’s the only cuddles you ever get, so you’ll never be able to have enough cuddles or enough kisses or enough time with them.”
She said to make sure you read to your baby, sing to them, take a lock of hair if they have any, take footprints and handprints.
Unfortunately Naomi was unable to use a service like Heartfelt due to Covid, but the volunteer organisation provides the gift of professional photography to families experiencing stillbirth or who have a child with a serious or terminal illness.
She also suggests reading ‘Guiding conversations’ by Stillbirth Australia Foundation.